Today was hard. 

Last night, I went to bed heartbroken. I’m not totally sure why because this isn’t the first Mother’s Day that I’ve lived through, but somehow this one has been the hardest. 

Since I’ve been married, this is the 13th Mother’s Day that I’ve got up and put my big girl pants on, and went to church. 

It’s worth noting that due to the pandemic, Mother’s Day 2020 was spent on the back deck of my house. For the first time, I didn’t have to face people who knew my story. I didn’t have to experience well-meaning thoughtfulness that just didn’t come out right. I didn’t have to pretend. And somehow, it was still maybe just as hard because there was so much silence. Well, as much as you can imagine, being married to someone who sings and hums nearly nonstop. 

Here’s the thing. Being in church is one of the most fulfilling, life-giving places on the planet. Assuming that you’re in a good church. But, church on Mother’s Day for some can be the absolute wrong place. It can serve as a constant reminder of who you aren’t and it doesn’t matter how many smiling faces you see around you, you aren’t one of the ones being honored or celebrated. 

And I’ve lived that for many years, even before I was married. It’s an awkward feeling of not being good enough or having accomplished something so incredible yet. However, I’ve always managed to make it through without much fuss.

But today was hard. 

And I don’t mean hard like, didn’t leave the house on time to grab my coffee before church.

I mean, like it felt like an elephant was sitting directly on my chest from the moment I woke up. And it didn’t matter how hard I tried to wiggle or push or cough, that elephant didn’t budge. That big, ugly, heaviness remained long into the afternoon. 

Somehow all the emotions I felt today were that of extreme sadness. I can fake a smile as good as the next person but I worried today that my fake smile may not be enough. I worried that someone might speak to me and my emotions might make a run for it, and escape quicker than I might be able to rein them in. So I did what any girl in my situation would do, I hid. 

As the worship team sang one of my anthems this morning, and I knew it would make for a challenging moment, I contained my emotions and hid away.

I busied myself at church in my office. I’m one of the very few people on staff here, who are lucky to have a hiding spot—I mean office.

After the last service was over, when it sounded like it was clear, and the crowds had died down, I packed up and dipped out of my office to let Ryan know I was heading home. And I prayed hard that no one would stop me. And no one did. 

I didn’t tell him all of my worries or how I was secretly avoiding the whole world. I did, however, let him know I was heading home because we have an injured dog at home who needed some tending to. So, I casually strolled outside our main entrance doors so as to not draw any attention and made a bee-line for my SUV. 

After I got in, I sat quietly for a minute gathering my breath from the long trek to my car, and noticed someone walking around. So I started my car and bolted! I had to get home! I had made it this far, I couldn’t chance someone getting a conversation out of me now.

And I made it. I made it all the way off campus somehow, only uttering a few short words from my mouth today. 

I don’t know why today was so hard but it was. Maybe it’s because I’m still new here. Or maybe it’s because I’m another year older. Or, I don’t know maybe because this year in particular has just been remarkably harder than past years in ministry. 

PS. I do not recommend changing gears while you’re pushing 40. I mean maybe you’re smarter than I am and maybe you’re able to bounce back a bit easier than I have, but let me save you the added stress. Stick to what you know. Not very spiritual, I know. Cut me some slack. It’s been tough!

Here’s what I felt like I need to bring today: 

To the ones who might feel like you need to hide out in your office, or pantry, or bathroom, or wherever your hiding spot may be,

Girl, hide. 

Take the time and get alone with Jesus. And, listen, it doesn’t have to be a super spiritual moment either. Because any time spent with Jesus can be A MOMENT! 

You don’t have to pray. You can just sit and rest. You don’t have to say a single thing. You can just sit underneath the shelter of the Most High.

I love what the Psalmist says:

Those who live in the shelter of the Most High will find rest in the shadow of the Almighty. This I declare about the LORD: He alone is my refuge, my place of safety; he is my God, and I trust him.

Psalm 91:1-2 (NLT)

So, while I’m over here writing this, and you’re sitting wherever you are reading this, I want you to know that for whatever reason you feel like you need to hide, the best place to hide is in the shelter of the Most High. Find your rest in the shadow of the Almighty God, who was and is and will be forever more. There isn’t anywhere you can go that you can hide from Him. And so much good can come from hiding in God’s presence anyway. 

So go on and hide. Lay low. Rest in the presence of the one who fills us with joy and hope and peace and life. Get your strength up. Because tomorrow is a battle all of its own. And listen, once you’ve hidden away, remember that society doesn’t name you. Society doesn’t qualify you. God does. And God hasn’t once looked down on you because of what you haven’t accomplished. I don’t know where you are on your journey or what your feelings of lack are but I’m praying that as you dip into the occasional hiding, that you would find hope for your day.

There’s hope for you today.